So many express shame and guilt over porn use. You may feel absolutely stuck in that pattern. However, we’ve seen others battle porn successfully.
“It IS possible!” says Amu, a successful and passionate advocate for helping others quit porn.
Regrets can be transformed into a learning experience. Now is the time to fight back and make healthy choices. We’re sharing the best ways to battle pornography use.
Why Battling Porn Actually Matters To Everyone
Battling porn matters to everyone, because most have been affected by porn. Many are exposed by age eight.
Even if you never view porn personally, someone you know and love has or will struggle with porn use.
In fact, it feels like the porn industry has taken over the world. Our porn statistics research shows significant global porn consumption, even in isolated island countries like Fiji.
Fighting pornography matters to society as a whole.
As a society, our brains are being rewired by porn, affecting how we think, feel, and behave towards one another in public and private.
- Early exposure to porn destroys childhood innocence.
- Online sexual exploitation of children is a nationally recognized problem.
- Often used as an escape mechanism, porn is at least partly responsible for compulsive sexual behaviors.
- Porn negatively affects marriages long-term.
- Sexual violence, especially towards women, can be traced to influences of porn.
- Porn consumption wastes time and resources.
3 questions to clarify why battling porn use matters to you as an individual.
If you firmly plug into why battling porn matters so deeply, then you’ll have genuine hope of progress.
1. How is porn influencing you and your own family?
Maybe your marriage is on shaky ground due to porn.
Or perhaps your teenage daughter has been the frequent victim of sexting or other forms of sexual harassment – or worse.
Perhaps you’ve even been guilty of sexting and are dealing with a load of guilt and regrets.
2. Is porn hijacking your personal goals?
Writing your goals down brings clarity. So, write down why you personally would like to quit porn. For example:
- Is quitting porn important to you for the sake of your present or future marriage?
- Are you concerned about the influence of porn on your children or the future generation?
- Do you have big goals and accomplishments you’d like to reach for?
- How is porn hindering you from reaching your highest potential?
- Are you turning to porn as an escape from unaddressed inner wounds and past trauma?
- How is porn affecting your view of women or other people?
3. Have you considered the “other” victims of porn?
Porn actors are someone else’s sisters, wives, daughters, and granddaughters– or sons, in the case of Joshua Broome. Many of them are trapped in a job that strips them of dignity and degrades their worth. Suicide is common among industry workers. Even worse, porn and the sex trafficking industry feed each other.
5 Major Challenges of Battling Porn
Understanding some of unique challenges of battling porn prepares you for the fight. Here’s what many experience:
1. Mindset and mental health challenges
Many struggle with a fixed mindset — a belief that you are who you are, and you can’t change.
Instead, cultivate a growth mindset full of hope and belief that you can change.
Porn use often creates or fuels a unique cocktail of underlying mindset challenges. There’s the cycle of shame over porn use, an attempt to quit, and then the return to porn to medicate feelings of shame.
Sometimes this underlying shame is due to past traumas like abuse or other experiences such as grief and loss. Porn consumption is a solitary activity, often leading to loneliness and anxiety.
Eventually porn shapes how you think about yourself and others.
Improving your mindset and mental health is entirely possible. However, you may need help getting out of your own head and reaching for goals important to you.
Accountability and mindset growth goals form a great partnership! We’ll explain in more detail in our steps to battling porn.
2. Physical challenges
- Decreased enjoyment of real sex is a significant loss for couples. Mounting evidence points to a new phenomenon of young men experiencing early-onset erectile dysfunction — tied to porn use.
- Compounding loss of sleep over time may occur if porn use become a compulsive sexual behavior. Sleep deprivation affects a person’s ability to function well on so many levels.
3. Relationship challenges
Most porn use happens in secret, leading to isolation and loneliness. Loss of connection harms personal relationships.
Porn use harms marriages in so many ways!
For example, it fuels unrealistic expectations for real-life, partnered sex. Frequently one partner feels betrayed either by lies or the feeling of not being “enough” for their spouse. As a result, trust and true intimacy are lacking!
Porn portrays horrific sexual violence – normalizing unwanted violent sexual behaviors and intimate partner violence.
4. Vocational challenges
Many people still work remotely due to the world-wide pandemic. Working online in the privacy of your home makes accessing porn is easier and more convenient. Setting boundaries on your access to porn should be a high priority.
There are also true stories circulating of people losing their jobs due to viewing porn at work. Sneaking into porn at work might mean that your porn habit is spiraling out of control, too.
5. Lifestyle challenges
Certain movies or music, erotica, and most especially social media platforms are gateways of temptation to relapse and slip back into porn use. So it’s healthy to perform a check up on your screen time.
Or you may have that one friend who doesn’t have a filter. Just hanging around them leads your mind places you can’t afford to go.
That’s why identifying your specific lifestyle challenges prepares you for the next success steps to battle porn.
How To Effectively Fight Your Personal Porn Battles
Fight porn with all your might.
How committed are you? A warrior who plans to win a fight must be “in it to win it”. Are you willing to give 100%?
If you’re not certain that quitting porn is truly important, you’re going to stay stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Take a look at our books on porn list for inspiration and motivation. Why not study how porn affects you and those you love?
Put living a porn-free life on your long-term goals list. Reaching this goal could require strenuous effort.
Like the famous Teddy Roosevelt stated:
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly;
…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”And if you’re a person of faith, you’ll also ask for Divine strength and wisdom, while putting feet to your prayers.
View the big picture and create a long-term vision of a porn-free life.
Envision world peace starting in your own backyard. Can you picture the best version of yourself? What about your ideal family life? Successful people take time to think, plan, and dream.
Quite possibly, you and your family collectively struggle with porn use. First, let’s tackle personally battling porn. Then we can address helping your children battle porn, too. After all, you’ll want to be their role model in the fight against porn.
Identify your personal porn challenges.
First, make notes on the enemy within.
When you’re battling porn — or any of life’s harder challenges — it’s a journey of self-discovery.
Make notes on your personal challenges by asking yourself good questions like these:
- What are your personal strengths and weaknesses?
- What are your unique temptations? Do you turn to porn when you’re bored? Tired? Stressed? Name your triggers.
- Where do those triggers and temptations commonly sneak up on you? Is it your phone? For most of us, it’s a deadly combination of easy access and a trigger.
Everyone’s internal battle against porn looks a little different. So everyone’s personal battle plan will be a bit different.
Maybe you don’t need to take your bedroom door off its hinges or throw your computer in the dumpster. Then again, maybe you do!
Prepare for attacks from the enemies without.
List the places and scenarios where you are most likely to find yourself tempted porn. Then list every single way you’ve accessed porn in the past.
When are you alone and vulnerable? Is it on breaks at work? Or is it when you go to the gym? Do you have a recurring pattern of reaching for your phone in the middle of the night?
Then come up with a plan specific to each time and place. Share this with a trusted accountability partner.
Rid yourself of your “stash” and proactively protect all of your devices.
Your main source of attack is probably your smartphone. Forbes magazine recently noted that smartphones are where at least 80% of all porn is being viewed.
It’s vital to get rid of any downloaded or “offline” stash, and clear your computer cache, too.
However, in a weak moment, you might go scrambling for another device — any device possible to view porn — even your kids’ device. Do you have accountability software active on all of your devices?
Make sure every device in your house is protected with filters, blockers, and accountability software. This is a proven way to fend off porn.
Using accountability software is like donning your protective body armor before going into battle.
If your gaming system is a temptation, for another example, make a plan for gaming only to be accessible in the most public place in your home. Perhaps put the gaming controllers in a locked box and give the key to someone else.
Boldly ask for help — your smart defense strategy.
Choose to be accountable to a personal accountability partner. Our customers say this is the “hard initial conversation that leads to freedom.”
We know this requires courage. But joy and freedom is possible on the other side of that hard conversation. Having someone believe in you makes a world of difference.
“The factor of having a trusted accountability partner is a game changer, it stops me on a daily basis. So glad this exists.” — Anthony, customer of Ever Accountable
Accountability helps you break free from that fixed mindset and adopt a growth mindset. When you have trouble believing for yourself, your accountability partner can hold on to hope for you.
Go even further. Consider sharing your goals to quit porn with more than one person.
You’ll need just a few faithful friends who have your back and hold you to your goals. You don’t need to fight alone! Accountability is a weapon that has proven to be highly successful.
Seek inspiration from fellow warriors who are succeeding in battling porn.
“Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people.” — Lifehack.org
For sure, there’s someone near you who is battling porn and succeeding! You need a band of positive brothers or sisters who will encourage you on your bad days and cheer you on your good days. You can find a group online by checking out places like Celebrate Recovery or Small Groups Online.
Mindset also matters to anyone who is serious about accomplishing goals. That’s why successful people hire coaches and personal trainers! A core strategy is to work on your mindset with accountability.
“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” — Teddy Roosevelt
Accountability to positive people helps you stop being “your own worst enemy”.
Often we’re the most unkind and unforgiving of ourselves. Anyone who has faced a porn slip-up or relapse knows how hard it is not to beat themselves up. But if you’re honestly and truly acknowledging your failures, you’re already on the road to recovery.
Positive accountability and inspiration will feed your success mindset! You’ll feel legitimately good about passing your values on to the next generation, too. Your life will match your words.
Ways To Battle Porn With Your Children
Protect your childrens’ hearts with love.
We connect with our children through face-to-face conversations and time spent interacting with them. T-I-M-E!
Spending intentional, repeated, quality time with our children opens doors to have repeated conversations about sex and porn. As they grow, the conversations will morph to fit their understanding.
The effects of porn on children still needs much careful study and research. However, the damages over time are now obvious.
Bringing this back to full-circle, though, there’s no replacement for love. Did you know we’re each wired to give and receive love in different ways?
Here is a short, practical video to consider how to show your child meaningful love. No matter their age, it’s not too late to impact their lives with love.
Guard their developing brains.
If you’re parenting young children, being forewarned is to be armed and ready to fight porn. In addition, we’ve created resources about protecting children against porn on both Apple and Android devices.
Setting the standards and safeguards before handing your child any device normalizes accountability.
For parents of teens, Culture Reframed has put together a wonderful free course that we recommend. Porn’s ability to rewire the brain is especially potent during the teen years.
A teen’s reward system is hypersensitive to dopamine highs that porn delivers. Open conversations on this topic are critical. Educate your teen on the damages of porn to themselves and others!
Choose to be mutually accountable, too, as you model good digital citizenship.
Even if you have safeguards set up, your teen is highly likely to see porn on a friend or family member’s phone. Battling porn with your teens takes great awareness and sensitivity.
Is it worth the effort? According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), “The predictive effect of pornography on sexual behavior in adolescents has also been demonstrated.”
If you want to rear a mentally, physically, and sexually healthy and wholesome person – the battle is worth it!
Nurture our children’s respect for their own bodies.
Every day find ways to affirm your children. Look for ways to genuinely encourage them. Even the greatest Teacher said, “Fear not. You are of more importance than many sparrows.”
Negative influences such as social media and porn are enemies that damage our young people’s developing sense of self worth.
Instead of teens and tweens simply comparing themselves to their classmates, social media’s “toxicity comes from the very nature of a platform that girls use to post photographs of themselves and await the public judgments of others.” — Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and author of The Righteous Mind
How many judges does a young girl need? Why should she be trained by porn to try to meet a certain standard of beauty?
Tell your children that their bodies are special and important — just as they are. So is everyone else’s body.
Since childhood is a time of developing identity and self-image, porn’s harms to the child psyche are probably vastly underestimated.
Instill respect for every person.
Porn doesn’t just steal love, harm our children’s brains, and hamper their self-image.
Porn also fosters an attitude of sexual entitlement and disrespect for others. Sadly, childhood sexual abuse is being normalized by the childlike figures in popular anime-style porn.
Consider another little-known, but growing problem — child on child sexual abuse. Robin Reber, who has talked to hundreds of parents facing this reality, says,
“Children simply do not just wake up one day and go touch another child sexually – it’s introduced, taught, learned and then explored.
They are doing exactly what a child’s brain is set up to do–imitate. Except now we have an additional addictive component fueled by easy access to pornography that can inhibit normal sexual development in children.”
Even more telling is the testimony of a sexual assault nurse examiner Heidi Olson who works with children who have been sexually assaulted in a large children’s hospital in Kansas City, MO. She notes that the average ages of young perpetrators are between the ages of 11 and 15.
Rachel Denhollander, abuse advocate, lawyer, and author of What Is A Girl Worth, so eloquently says:
“Who is going to tell these little girls that what was done to them matters? That they are seen and valued, that they are not alone and they are not unprotected?”
Porn also harms our young men by fueling disrespect for women.
A young man’s unhealthy expectations of — and a sense of entitlement to the female body — robs him of his future happiness in relationships.
Instead of modeling joyful relationships founded on true intimacy, porn promotes fake, violent, unrealistic sex.
Even worse, it can lead to a rape culture by creating a complete inability to understand consent in a sexual relationship.
Enable your child to break free of porn.
Once again, shame will rear its ugly head if you’ve discovered your child is viewing porn. While being upset is understandable, take a step back before responding.
If you feel shame, imagine what your child might be feeling. So many former porn users express that viewing porn created so much shame for them, especially for young women.
“For six years I had this deep dark secret that I hid from everyone. I thought I was the only girl in the world who had this problem, and if anyone ever found out they would think I was a freak.” — “Jennifer” from Dirty Girls Come Clean, by Crystal Renaud
So be careful not to crush your child with words or emotions. Porn is the enemy, not your child.
Author and parent Barb Winters is right “on the money” when she says that love not shame is the only way to fight porn when your child has been viewing porn on a regular basis.
“Shame feeds into their belief that they are unworthy and unlovable. They don’t want to admit their faults and insecurities to us because they don’t want us to see them as failures.” — Barb Winters
So what can you do to help your child battle porn?
First, stay calm and start a conversation about porn use. Ask for honesty, but speak with great kindness. Tell your child that you understand porn use is a growing problem, because it’s so easy to access.
Next, ask them to become accountable together with you. If your child is 16 or older, you can install accountability software on their phones and devices. Allow them to see your reports, too. Talk about how to handle slip-ups, or getting asked to view porn on someone else’s device.
Also, try role-playing with your teen. Start by walking them through scenarios where they are likely to see porn — such as the school hallway on someone else’s phone, the locker room, or over a friend’s house. Brainstorm good responses to these temptations together.
Talk about how to handle sexting, too. Remind them that inappropriate photos can live forever on the internet. Unfortunately, sexting is wide-spread. In some states sexting between minors can be prosecuted as a child porn charge. Your teen needs to know the potential consequences.
We believe you, your family, your relationships, and your future are worth the fight!
We’re here to support you and your family as you’re battling porn. Fight for love. Fight for each other. Fight for your own future, too!
Fight Song
Rachel Platten – Wildfire
This time this is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My powers turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong.
I’ll play my fight song.
And I don’t really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got
A lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left In me.
Source: MetroLyrics
*”Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.”
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