A popular “women and accountability meme” circulated the internet a few years back, claiming that women regularly fail to hold themselves accountable for their actions.
However, we’re highlighting some brave, bold younger women stepping forward to say how accountability helps women quit porn.
Women and accountability - what holds you back?
Regardless of gender, many people struggle with accountability for a variety of reasons. Often it’s a fear of what others will think.
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown says,
“When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
If you’re a woman who wishes to quit porn, here’s what may be holding you back.
- Porn isn’t considered a woman’s problem.
“I felt like, well, I’m weird! I’m a girl, and I’m watching porn. Girls don’t do that,” Amu told us in an interview.
Shame and isolation also trapped Dr. Joy Skarka who used to believe pornography use was primarily a “man’s problem”. But current data from major porn sites shows 36% of viewers are younger millennial and GenZ women.
- People often seem “judgy” if we ask for help.
“You’re afraid at first and ashamed. You feel like you will be judged. But, my friend was so supportive. That was freeing.” ~ Amu’s story
Rachael shares: “I remember avoiding accountability for a long, long time, because it was scary.”
Now safe, supportive online groups exist for women who want to quit porn.
- You’ve tried and failed to quit porn before.
“I first saw porn at age 8,” says an anonymous Reddit user.
It’s a story that’s common for younger women and men, 95% of whom had smartphones in their teens, says Pew Research. Growing up with easy access to porn creates a host of issues. Developing brains get “hooked” on porn. So, please give yourself an extra measure of time, accountability, and patience to overcome an ingrained childhood habit.
- You experienced childhood sexual abuse.
Porn exposure grooms children for abuse. Another heartbreaking story we hear repeatedly (from both genders) is that a childhood abuser exposed them to porn while abusing them.
Find a trauma-informed therapist who will help you heal and break your bondage to porn.
What is accountability?
“Accountability requires a sense of self-worth,
a recognition that a person is both independent from others and also in relationship with others…taking the blame when it is yours to take.” Princeton.edu
Accountability starts with self-evaluation.
Facing the ways porn use harms yourself and others requires courage, honesty, and vulnerability.
Another step toward accountability is asking for help where you need it.
Rachael realized her pornography use was incompatible with who she wanted to be as a person, so she discovered accountability software and committed to change.
She says, “I wanted someone to hammer down on me if I was looking at something inappropriate, because I did want to stop.”
The Barnard Center for Research on Women notes that accountability includes the following ingredients:
“…Accountability is a radical way of saying, I choose you.
I choose relationship. I choose community.”
Rachael agrees:
“I had to really, really think about who to trust.
I didn’t think it would have been good enough to pick a friend. My friends are incredible, but I didn’t want somebody to give me sympathy…. So I picked someone from the leadership in my church.
Thankfully that’s worked really well.”
7 ways accountability helps women quit porn
1. Restores your self image.
Porn holds women to impossible beauty standards which is especially damaging for teen girls.
“It was around when I started secondary school when I became hooked on pornography. My self esteem was incredibly low.” – Rachael’s Journey.
Porn makes girls feel like products to be used, not people to be loved.
2. Develop self-control through accountability.
Like hiring a personal trainer, a good accountability partner helps you exercise and grow self-control when you’re feeling weak. Accountability software sets clear boundaries and limits for you.
3. Inspire communication and support.
Accountability reports enable your accountability partner to support you in reaching your goals. You know someone who cares will check in on you regularly.
“Knowing someone would see what I was searching helped so much. It was a game-changer!” ~ Amu
4. Identify triggers as stepping stones to transformation.
A good accountability partner will walk you through set-backs and relapses with good questions: How were you feeling? What were you doing? Getting curious about what triggers your porn use is essential to breaking free.
5. Destroy the power of shame and guilt.
Accountability helps women become transparent about their struggles. Understanding and sharing your secret triggers to porn – including abuse – may help you be kind to yourself for the first time in your life. This may also require the help of a trauma-informed therapist. Gradually you’ll discover you’re enjoying freedom from guilt and shame!
6. Achieve goals through the power of accountability.
As you see yourself achieve tangible goals, you experience the powerful freedom accountability brings. Accountability reports track that progress alongside your accountability partner.
“It’s absolutely incredible! I haven’t watched any pornography for over two years, something that I felt would never happen.” ~ Rachael
Once you’ve tasted true freedom from unwanted sexual behaviors, you’ll never want to go back.
7. Rewire your brain to enjoy real life – healthy, happy activities.
An ancient poet said: “Taste and see that the LORD is good.”
Despite all the evil in this world, freedom from porn can re-awaken your senses to beauty and goodness.
Instead of disengaging from life with porn, you can begin relating to people wholeheartedly.
As you turn to healthier activities, you can enjoy nature, relationships, new hobbies, and even begin to experience true love.
“It’s wonderful to be FREE.
I never want to go back.
I thank God for this!” ~ Amu
In reality, women and accountability are a perfect pairing.
Women often are naturally nurturing and relational, but pornography use interrupts those natural instincts.
Choosing accountability will empower you on your journey towards a healthier, happier life.
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
Works Cited
https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfreewomen/comments/1eskg6m/struggling_with_porn_for_17_years/.
Anderson, Monica, et al. “Teens, Social Media and Technology 2023.” Pew Research Center, 11 December 2023, https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/12/11/teens-social-media-and-technology-2023/. Accessed 30 August 2024.
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