In sex addiction recovery, it’s important to understand the need for non-sexual touch.
Many addicts may have come from families or cultures where physical affirmation in the form of hugs, kisses, pats on one’s back, and other means of touch were absent.
They were touch deprived.
Why non-sexual touch matters
It should be noted how significant touch in general is vital to our survival.
In the late 1980’s, up to 170,000 children were found to be in dire neglect in Romanian orphanages. Studies showed that these children suffered severe physical, emotional, and cognitive damage due to the lack of touch.
Their brains were close to ten percent smaller than children raised outside the orphanages. In addition, they were physically smaller, and many developed attachment disorders that impacted their ability to appropriately bond with caregivers and others.
In the most extreme cases, the lack of touch can even lead to death. (Source: American Psychological Association).
Consequently, “Failure to Thrive” is a theory that contends even if children are properly nourished and housed adequately, without a frequent healthy, loving touch, children can suffer psychologically and physically.
Depression and eating disorders have been associated with the lack of healthy touch.
It shouldn’t be any surprise then that addicts in recovery from porn/sex addiction may also report the need for healthy non-sexual touch.
Identifying negative family and cultural patterns
For myself, I grew up in a traditional, Chinese immigrant family where my parents believed in emotional and physical stoicism.
The only touch I remember was when my mom cleaned out my ear wax, and I would rest my head on her legs. This was a cherished time for me as I can recall telling her to continue cleaning my ears knowing there was nothing left to clean, but it allowed me more time to physically be close to her.
My deep yearning for touch was fulfilled through sex later in life. It may not have been what I wanted, but it was one of the few ways I knew how to obtain touch.
Healing hugs in group therapy
Years later in group therapy, I learned how much I missed out on touch. We would conclude our meetings with hugs, which I found so comforting and needed. It’s no wonder that 12 Step Groups also have this tradition of giving attendees the option to receive hugs from others.
Breaking toxic cycles as a parent
As a father now, I have been mindful from his early years to give physical affection as often as possible.
Hugs, kisses, holding our son’s hand are various ways my wife and I show our son he is loved and cared for.
I believe physical touch is one avenue we convey warmth, safety, and trust to our children.
While it’s not the only way, it is a primary way especially when children are old enough to comprehend speech. But even when they can talk, sometimes a hug in both times of celebration or sadness can show children they are cared for.
Bonding with friends – a vital step in recovery
As a therapist specializing in porn/sex addiction, I tell my male clients, “You can’t love a woman until you learn to love a man”.
In early recovery, they look at me quizzically.
But once they grow in understanding of closeness and bonding with other men by sharing vulnerable feelings and experiencing non-sexual touch, they are much more equipped to engage with their spouses on a similar level of true intimacy.
Meet the therapist
Sam Louie, MA, LMHC, CSAT faced his personal porn addiction head-on in 2001.
Now he’s sharing his story in his books and spoken word poetry.
He enjoys a full, purposeful life as a husband, dad, author, motivational speaker, and practicing therapist in Seattle. He specializes in multicultural challenges and compulsive sexual behaviors including porn addiction.
You can also follow his column in Psychology Today.
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