For those of you who ask for true stories of real people conquering porn, we’re thankful for Jonathan.
He shares his porn recovery journey and why choosing sexual integrity matters to him.
Living a life of duplicity
As a Christian, I knew I wasn’t supposed to lust, so viewing porn was not allowed.
But if your only reason to not watch porn is because of a rule, you’ll eventually break it.
We all have weak days, moments of anger, or “opportunities” of anonymity. Even the strongest will eventually cave, self-justify, or rebel.
At first it was “soft” porn, stuff you could find at a library or on TV – racy scenes or implied imagery. But sin never stops with just part of your life. It is unsatiable.
Over months, and then years, it would advance its penetration into my mind. Occasions became cycles, which became habits, which became a life of duplicity.
There were several close calls where my wife almost found out, and the cycle of shame and fear crept in.
I felt sure that if I was exposed, I would lose everything.
Many times, instead of breaking the cycle by confessing, I chose to hide it further.
Making the hard choice - honesty
But one night, at a marriage conference, in a hotel room with my wife laying by my side, I admitted to myself that everything was going to come out eventually. I could either be honest on my terms or be exposed when I was least prepared for it.
I chose to tell someone – my wife. And it broke her heart.
I had no idea the harm I was doing by choosing porn over my wife. It broke our trust, yes, but it actually hurt her. And I hated what I had done to her.
What it took to rebuild trust after betrayal
It took years to rebuild trust.
I had to turn everything over to my wife – phone, internet access, library card, laptop. I had to give up complete control and work within the guidelines she and I set up together.
I had to acknowledge the pain and hurt that I was dealing out to my wife, and I had to live with the damage that I had caused.
But I was finally free.
My wife knew what I struggled with every single day. She now knew how small things could trigger me. She knew that I was not the superhero she thought I was, but that I was a broken man who needed a partner on the battlefield of my mind.
Without her unconditional love and forgiveness, I would have relapsed and never come back.
Why choosing sexual integrity matters
But I have reasons to choose sexual integrity. My wife. My 4 kids. I’ve thought about the cost now.
I don’t want to live in sexual bondage, enslaved to my own mind.
I choose sexual fulfillment with my wife instead of the endless, unsatisfying search for something “new” to arouse me.
I see the ads for ED; I read the articles about men who don’t find human sex appealing anymore.
I don’t want my mind to be conditioned by virtual sex.
Focusing on the long view
So it’s a choice every single day. I’ve had relapses. Thankfully, they have been short and shallow.
I have ongoing temptations. But guardrails like Ever Accountable make it easier to remember the cost of choosing sin.
Long term, my prayer is
that I will have my wife by my side until I die,
because she is my daily reminder that
life is better with sexual integrity
than a life of endless porn.
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