The holidays can be a vulnerable time in your journey to end porn use. ‘Tis the season for complex relationships and big emotions—which may lead to more triggers than ever to view porn.
With the holiday season, the good often mixes with the bad. Days off mix with stress. Gift giving mixes with credit card debt. Charity surges, as does consumerism.
And since when does hot chocolate have mushrooms in it?
But that’s not all. Love can mix with hurt. As a result, the holidays can mix with increased porn use. But it doesn’t have to go down that way. With a few simple ideas, and a solid written game plan, this can be the best porn-free holiday season you’ve ever had.
Forecasting Your Porn Triggers
First, you need to understand why you may be susceptible to porn during the holidays. This will set you up to create an effective game plan. To help forecast your personal triggers, let’s look at four common scenarios that make the holidays extra challenging.
1. Disrupted Routines
Many people take vacations or naturally have more time off around Winter Break. During your typical work week, you may have learned to lean on self-care routines or disciplines to keep life focused and on track (and to stay away from porn). But when your routines get thrown off, you could be susceptible to being directionless and unintentional.
Look at your calendar and see which days or times of day will lack order. You’ll likely find open periods of time that need some intentionality built into them.
2. Attitude of Indulgence
The holidays are essentially the human version of hibernation. You’ll likely accomplish less, eat more, and prepare for “a long winter’s nap.” Wintering in this way is actually very important. But if you tend to live a chronic stress lifestyle, you can overcompensate and overdo it in these down times.
Porn is often used to relax, celebrate, “reward,” and indulge, especially if you aren’t skillful in entering a state of true relaxation without it. Watch out for thoughts such as, “finally, a chance to let loose,” or “I just wanna veg.”
These aren’t bad thoughts, but they need your leadership to consciously choose renewing activities, so you don’t automatically fall into numbing behaviors.
3. Complicated Connections
Coming together with loved ones for Hannukah, Christmas, and other holidays is what it’s all about. Unfortunately, relationships with loved ones tend to be… complicated.
You might disagree with your partner about holiday plans. Your kids may drive you nuts while traveling. Your dad may be as distant as ever, mom as critical as ever, Uncle George as loud and close-minded as ever. And if you travel to the home in which you first encountered your sexuality or porn it may stir up a lot of turmoil, trauma, and childhood role reenactment.
The hurt, longings, and alienation we can feel amidst all the love can be a significant emotional trigger to view porn. Forecasting these tricky situations is crucial.
4. Isolation
Images of families gathered around the Christmas tree or menorah remind us that this is a season of belonging. But sometimes… it isn’t. If you’ve navigated divorce or death or have never formed the family you envisioned, you may feel more alone than ever.
And even if you’re surrounded by a hundred friends and family members, feeling unworthy, depressed, distant, or misunderstood can intensify a sense of alienation. You’ll need to prepare a plan for loneliness, so you don’t turn to porn.
Creating a Game Plan To Beat Holiday Triggers
Considering the potential for increased triggers and vulnerabilities, the experience of increased porn use during the holidays makes perfect sense.
But rather than playing defense this holiday season, it’s time to play offense! Let’s take a look at a game plan with four crucial steps.
Step 1: Identify Triggers
To successfully navigate emotions and urges for porn, start by identifying triggers you’re bound to encounter. I’d recommend writing down a list of your 3-5 biggest potential triggers or “tricky situations” in your journal or in a digital note.
These may be vulnerable pockets of time (such as being alone after others’ bedtimes), difficult emotional scenarios (like feeling belittled by your father), or messy mindsets (like people pleasing).
Step 2: Preventing Triggers
Now that you’ve got 3-5 tricky situations marked down, it’s time to come up with sound and creative strategies to prevent these scenarios from arising. Consider guidelines to live by that keep you out of risky scenarios. What digital limits need to be in place so you don’t reach for porn?
Also look for desirable pursuits to emphasize to keep you out of a bad situation (more on that soon).
Step 3: Responding to Triggers
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never prevent triggers 100%. Despite your best efforts, you’ll get hurt by someone or find yourself alone. Your prevention efforts will reduce exposure to countless triggering instances, but you’ll be left with a handful that still need to be addressed directly.
So go back to your list of triggers and your prevention strategies and add one more component: your planned response.
What’s the optimal thing you could do in that scenario?
Write it down and mentally rehearse it. This prepares you for effective action right when you need it most.
Step 4: Write a Wish List
What would the holidays be without a wish list? Here’s the reality—surviving the holidays without porn will be most successful if it’s a secondary goal. Sounds weird, I know.
But what’s this all really about, anyway? It’s about clearing the way so you can be present with your loved ones and find joy in the season.
Your primary goal is to pursue values like fun, rest, connection, and love. You’ve set up the game plan—honor it. But most of your energy needs to be spent chasing after the good stuff.
Think about the holidays going marvelously, memorably. What are you doing in that scenario? Are you helping your kids build their first snowman? Challenging Diego on the ski slopes? Settling into a season of experimental hot chocolate mixins?
My pursuits? Epic board games, reading (so much), and climbing a mountain. Now write out your wish list of joyful experiences.
How “Craig” Plans to Beat A Potential Porn Relapse At the Holidays
Let’s take a look at a fictional example to see how this game plan and wish list plays out. Craig was divorced earlier in the year. Christmas is looking bleak since his kids will be with their mom and Craig has been distant from his family for years. He knows he’s susceptible to porn, but he tracks Ever Accountable’s content and reads this article (yay!).
Craig pulls out his phone, writes down three tricky situations, then adds preventative measures, and his planned responses. And of course, he builds out his wish list. Check it out.
Craig’s Winning Game Plan (free sample)
- Challenge: feeling depressed, waking up alone on Christmas morning.
- Prevent: go on a sunrise hike to enjoy the morning as best I can. Schedule to FaceTime the kids at 10am.
- Respond: If I still end up feeling depressed, I’ll journal out my feelings then bake bread for my neighbors.
- Challenge: feeling resentment for my family, who never reaches out anymore.
- Prevent: write handwritten letters to them, focused on positive memories, then call to tell them to keep an eye out in the mail. Call each of them on Christmas day to foster at least some connection.
- Respond: explore the underlying pain in my next session with my therapist, Taylor.
- Challenge: feeling bored in the evenings, numbing out to pass the time.
- Prevent: set up Ever Accountable on my devices so Taylor can see my online activity. Instead of remaining directionless, each evening I’ll either read a book or paint.
- Respond: If I find myself numbing, power down all my devices. Then go on a starlight walk to clear my head and use up some energy. Start my bedtime routine right when I get back.
Craig’s Holiday Wish List (another free sample)
- Play Risk with Booker as many times as possible.
- Star Wars movie marathon in December with the kids.
- Volunteer twice at the food bank.
- Go ice skating with Alicia.
- Redecorate the guest room.
- Master cinnamon swirl raisin bread.
You can see that Craig’s holidays will be tricky.
But he’s getting proactive to ensure he doesn’t have a huge winter slump. His plan has some direct items about porn, a lot about feelings, and strategies that involve tools as well as relationships. It’s thorough and thoughtful.
Conclusion: Now it's your turn.
Identify your triggers, develop a plan to prevent what you can prevent, know how best to respond when trouble arises, then focus on creating the best holiday season you can imagine.
However you choose to celebrate, celebrate with intention this year!
About Taylor Chambers:
Taylor Chambers is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in men’s issues, especially unwanted porn use and all the ways it affects relationships. Taylor provides amazing value with his free workshop and online Porn Resilient conference each year. He has partnered as an affiliate with Ever Accountable to promote digital wellness and online integrity.
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