My name is Christian Eason, I am 27 years old and I grew up in Conception Bay South, a town in Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada. Currently my wife Melissa and I live in CBS and we have two beautiful children, my son Benaiah and my daughter Railene. We have two Dachunds(or as I like to say Wieners) Asher and Levi, both are great dogs and quite comical. Both myself and my wife went to Holy Spirit High School in CBS and that is where we first met. I enjoy reading and learning about military history, particularly World War II, but I have many other hobbies like hunting, shooting, building military models and hanging with my family.
I mentioned in my Google Play review for Ever Accountable that I struggled with pornography for years. It has been up and down struggle for a long time until recently.
I was first introduced to pornography when I was 13 years old. My brother’s friend managed to get a hold of his father’s pornographic magazine and he snuck it into a shed where we looked at it. Honestly at that age I did not know much about porn or sex so it was just a weird experience. However, by the time I was 14 my brother had looked at it more and I remember my mother questioning him about it. I grew up in a Christian home, and that stuff was off limits. I myself am a Christian and I know what the Bible says about sexual immorality and how it can destroy you. Well even growing up in a Christian home did not stop me from looking at porn. One day I was playing a video game on the computer with a friend and instead of going to the URL we had typed in, both my friend and I were bombarded with pornographic images and videos. We clicked and we clicked out of”curiosity”, and as the saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat.” After my friend left, for days afterwards I felt this burning sensation, like a flood of adrenaline going through my body and I would go back to that site again and again.
A couple of years passed by and I continued to look at porn occasionally, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. However I went from viewing pictures to watching videos. In my relationship with Christ, I found myself feeling so guilty, not because of God but because I knew what I was doing was wrong. So I would pray, cry, get angry and I would go a bit longer but then fall right back into the same crap.
Well one day I was clicking on videos and I came across one and I will never forget it. I will not go into detail, as there is no need for the story, however what I saw in that video scared me because it looked like the woman in her twenties involved did not want to be there. I have no idea if it was staged or if it was real however it scared me and I wanted no part of this stuff anymore. I went ahead and promised myself I would not look at that stuff again because it was not right. About 5 months later (the longest I had gone without looking at pornography) I was in my twelfth-grade class and a male and female student were talking about porn websites. They asked me which ones I looked at; I told them that I did not look at porn (which at that time I was not). Then what happened next held me in my captivity for ten years. The girl looked right in my face and said “This site ——– is my favorite. I love watching the videos and plus there are no viruses.”Oh my gosh, what that conversation did to me I can hardly justify with words.
So I became hooked on this site for ten years, once a week, once every two weeks or a month, never shaking it. Every topic of pornography was available on it, and sure enough pretty much everything was free and no viruses. My relationship with the girl I had been dating for four years had been horrible for the last two years. I honestly think this contributed to my addiction to pornography, as pornography was the thing I could run to for pleasure and not have to deal with any crap (thats what I thought). I would fall into this cycle of 1) Feel the urge. Maybe after a bad day, or was just bored and browsing internet. 2) Watch it. 3) Feel an intense sense of failure and guilt.
In 2011 I married my best friend and love of my life, Melissa. I could not, and still can not ask for anyone better to live my life with. During our premarital counseling we were advised by our pastor to do our best not to bring any baggage into our marriage. At that time I had two accountability software programs and I felt I had beaten the addiction to porn. However once we were married within the first year it slowly crept back in. My wife was working full time and I was working as a substitute teacher. I was home quite a bit and during my free time I played a lot of video games and was on the computer a lot. Therefore the temptation to look at porn came back and I began looking at it off and on.
How did this affect my romantic life? Well I believe it affected my intimacy but also my interpersonal life: communication, spending time with Melissa, etc. One time when she had came home, I had only a few hours prior looked at porn, I felt angry and I didn’t talk much instantly she knew what was wrong. I honestly did not treat her the way I should and I felt each time I looked at porn a black hole was forming inside me where I slowly started to feel hollow. I would always tell Melissa when I would look at porn, I could not kept secrets from her. Over a couple of years I found our relationship hurting, with trust, romance, and communication starting to fail. My wife was competing against my addiction to porn, and she was losing, as was I. I found my sexual drive stayed the same but no matter how much intimacy, I still had this pulling in my heart towards porn. Overall it was a destructive blow each time. I have learned this: Porn causes collateral damage; it is like a bomb going off, devastating the initial target and sending shockwaves to nearby targets.
Now I have to lay some background information because without it my story would not be accurate. I am a Christian and I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that what is in the Bible is true and I follow it the best that I can. Jesus taught a lot about staying away from sexual deviance, like adultery, and the Bible is full of this advice: “Drink water from your own well, share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.” Proverbs 5:15?-?17 NLT ”But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 Why did Jesus say this? I believe since God knows our hearts He has given us a warning that looking at women (or men) in a sexual manner does damage to your heart as well as your body.
One side effect from pornography I have experienced has been depression; I thought a few times I could not overcome it, often with the thought, I am doing all that I can to beat this, why is this not working? Many times I became easily agitated/irritable especially after looking at porn the day of and also the day after. I remember once I had looked at porn after only a few days before saying to my wife that I was “free” from it; she was overjoyed and we had a wonderful next couple of days. Then I felt the pulling feeling inside and I looked at it. I broke down in tears right afterward, crying out to God and I remember a thought coming into my head that “You’re a failure, why don’t you just end it?” Then I remembered that there is a devil in this world and I am a child of God so I am not going to give into this temptation. I got up from my bed, read my Bible, prayed and walked out into the living room, packed up my computer and put it away.
Needless to saying months down the road the temptation came back and I looked at porn again.
Finally, to sum up my experience (which this is only a snapshot of my journey). When we were in a restaurant in December 2016 Melissa said she needed to tell me something. Thoughts flooded my mind as to what was coming, and I knew it was not good just by the sound of her voice, a voice that was hurting. She said that when we are together she is not feeling love anymore, and she held back the tears but I could hear from her voice she was crying inside.
All of a sudden it was all coming together, it then clicked ”I am destroying my marriage, I am destroying my love and intimacy and doing the same to my wife.” The lie of pornography is that its just you and a computer, viewing images and videos without anyone knowing. Well its exactly that, a lie. She then told me that something had to change because she felt hollow inside. I was in shock. I sort of knew this would happen and didn’t want to accept it, but actually being confronted head on with it was like getting smacked in the gut. We decided we needed to go to counseling with our pastor, a place where we both felt safe. It was through counseling and searching for a good accountability software (because I found the others did not work) that I found Ever Accountable.
Ever Accountable is not the primary reason for beating pornography in my life but it is a catalyst in the fight against porn. Honestly its my relationship with Christ; it’s through Him I find purpose, it’s through Him I find Grace, it’s through Him I find my strength. My wife has been my companion and support through this, my Pastor has heard our story and our hearts desire. Ever Accountable has been a wall that is up that helps block the temptations and sudden urges from getting through, and that is what I badly needed and that is why I say it is excellent software. When the thought comes now, I think ”Hold on, whatever I look at will be shown to whoever is on my accountability list.” I then start to feel the urge dissipate. Currently I have my wife and my Pastor on my list. Knowing that what I look at will be seen, it takes a shot at that pull I described. I am reminded of the scripture “For the time is coming when everything that is covered will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known to all.” Matthew 10:26b NLT. We have Ever Accountable on all our devices, and whatever does not have it has a password. So knowing that everything will be shown, if I tried uninstall it would send an email, if I go in an app it will flag anything, there are no loopholes. We have another app that locks the ability to uninstall the app, which also has a password on that so its a double safe feature. Honestly I have never used such an amazing product.
What is it like day to day? It’s a battle. I still face temptations, every now and then I am met face to face with sexual stuff, but I find I have a strength that I never had before. As Pastor Levi Lusko says, “Now shouts louder, later lasts longer.” I keep that in my mind. I have greatly limited things I watch and time spent on technology. In a world today where we are bombarded with sex, it is hard to do. Using this app is a tool, not a solution. If I really wanted to I would find a way to get around it I could (buy a new device?) but I do not want to because I love my wife, my family, and I do not want my son or daughter walking down the road I have been through for 14 years. However I can honestly say since installing the app in January 2017 I have only looked at porn once. I am not downplaying anything but even that one viewing was a couple of pictures not videos (which is huge for me, because as I said earlier, I moved away from the pictures when I was about 17). I honestly feel I am walking in freedom. My relationship with my wife is being repaired, ten times better before January. I feel when I lay back in bed at night there is no one in my mind or between us.
As I stated my walk with God is my strength, He is my hope and purpose. I knew someday I would, through the grace of God, get through this. That I would come across a weapon that I could turn back on this addiction. God and my Bible is #1, Ever Accountable is #2. Another thing that helps me stand against porn is the fact that I am a husband to my wife and a father to my children. What will my legacy be? Will I be remembered as the husband who gave his heart to his wife in person and secretly my heart to some false sense of pleasure through porn? Would I be remembered by my children as their father with an addiction or a father who can stand strong and lead them in this life? As Pastor PM told me many years ago about relationships and sex ”It’s not how close you can get to the line it’s how far you can run from it” and also a Rabbi told me about once “If you don’t get rid of it now, it will destroy you.” That advice has helped me greatly.
To end off my story, I want to say Thank You. Thank you to the person who developed this software, thank you to the developers and designers, thank you to the staff that work daily for helping those like me break free from this curse and live a life of freedom. My wife thanks you, on behalf of my children they thank you, and I pray that God will bless your company and make you all prosper. Be blessed with knowing you are helping people recover and stay free from the plague of our time.