We’re so grateful to share a guest post by Dr. Joy Skarka, author, Her Freedom Journey: A Guide Out of Porn and Shame to Authentic Intimacy who writes from her personal experience and research.
Table of Contents
- Do women really watch porn?
- Is the porn struggle different for women than men?
- How porn impacts a woman’s brain
- Other ways porn hurts women
- Addressing the biggest lie: what discourages women who struggle with porn
- 3 success tips for women struggling with pornography
- Resources for women who struggle with porn
Do women really watch porn?
Many women have sat on my couch or texted me and said, “I’m struggling with porn.”
You know what they all had in common? They felt alone, and they felt left out of the porn recovery conversation. Instead of finding freedom, they were living in shame and bondage. They began to think that something must be wrong with them since historically porn was a man’s issue.
I get it, because I was one of those women who felt alone and even believed I was beyond repair and too far gone, since I was a woman battling unwanted sexual behavior.
Maybe like me, you keep your story and struggle to yourself, creating more shame in your heart and mind. Yet keeping your struggle to yourself could prevent the realization that other women are struggling too.
As a fellow struggler, you know that women watch porn. But here is a stat to prove it. One of the largest porn sites publishes a yearly review with their sites’ data.
In 2023 they saw the proportion of female visitors grow to 36% worldwide. Pornography addiction impacts the lives of women all around the world. We need to stop shaming the subject and start talking about it.
Is the porn struggle different for women than men?
Porn addiction in the lives of men and women has some differences and similarities. As women, we are more likely to start with “soft porn” before transitioning towards “hard porn.”
Soft porn is usually not as graphic or explicit, but still has the goal of seeking to arouse. Examples of soft porn include erotica or romance novels, romance movies, tv shows, sexting, and online chat rooms.
Do Christian women struggle with porn?
Women are more likely to search for “romantic porn” and “popular with women,” than men, and men are more likely to search for “aggressive porn” (although statistics from major porn sites prove that women are viewing more aggressive porn than ever before.) Porn continues to become more aggressive and porn sites market the content as a “fantasy experience.”
Some women also enjoy violent or aggressive porn. Just think about how many Christian women have read Fifty Shades of Grey!
Another difference is that some women prefer lesbian porn more than heterosexual porn. In 2019, lesbian porn was the number one searched category of porn on the largest porn site, even for female users who do not consider themselves same-sex attracted.
As someone who experienced a sexual assault, I often preferred lesbian porn so I was not triggered by seeing a naked man. Everyone’s story is different and so is everyone’s experience with porn.
How porn impacts a woman’s brain
Often, a woman will start by looking at simple images, join a chat room, or read a romance novel, and then dopamine, a pleasurable chemical in the brain, is released forming neurological pathways. She will then need more and more dopamine. When her dopamine levels aren’t enough to find pleasure, then a woman will want something more, something stronger.
The more times she turns to porn, the more chemicals that are released while reinforcing the addictive behavior. Not only is porn addicting, it is damaging to our brain. Porn rewires our brain. It reconstructs our neurological pathways.
Other ways porn hurts women
- Depression. You may wake up feeling depressed and think, “Will I ever get over this?”
- Negative body image. You look in the mirror and realize that your body will never match up with the bodies you see in porn because porn is fake.
- Failure. Because of your porn addiction, you may feel like a failure and will turn back to porn for comfort.
- Unworthiness. You will begin to feel unworthy of love. After months or years of struggling with addiction, you will think, “How could anyone truly love me?”
- Shame. Shame forces you to keep your addiction a secret out of the fear of how others will react.
Other addictions. Eventually, porn may no longer satisfy your inner desires. Similar to drug addiction, the addict will turn to bigger and harder products. The list of sex addictions goes on and on.
Addressing the biggest lie: what discourages women who struggle with porn
Read this story from Jessica, a fellow struggler:
“I was exposed to pornography as a first grader by a childhood friend and had no idea the lasting effects it would have on me as I got older.
While I didn’t understand what it was or why it was bad, I innately felt that it was wrong and that alone filled me with plenty of shame. As I got older I curiously surfed the tv channels late at night and would find similar content to what I saw that very first night.
While finishing up in high school it evolved from watching porn to masturbating, and I always convinced myself it was harmless because it affected nobody but me.
Little did I know it began to affect my thought life in some very intense ways which evolved into lust in my heart and mind. The shame followed me through life – until the first time I heard someone else share that they too struggled with it. That defeated the biggest lie I believed, ‘I was in this alone’.”
Many women have similar stories to Jessica, but sadly many women are still living in isolation and fear, unable to find a safe place to share about their struggles.
3 success tips for women struggling with pornography
- Discover your trigger(s).
First you have to figure out your triggers, and then you have to create a plan for how you will respond to those triggers. When you have an urge to watch porn, pause and ask yourself, “What situation, emotion, memory, etc. is triggering me to want to view porn?” - Understand porn’s impact on your brain.
There are many negative effects of porn addiction, but one of the hardest to overcome is the way porn rewires your brain. Not only is it addictive, but it’s damaging to your brain. It reconstructs your neurological pathways and bonds you to the images in porn. One of the leading movements combating porn is called Fight the New Drug, reminding us that sex can be misused as a drug because it can hijack the natural pleasure centers of the brain. - Don’t go through this alone.
Join a support group or pursue therapy for porn addiction. As mentioned above, porn is used to cope with different feelings, one of those being anxiety and depression (which often require different mental health treatment options for healing).
Resources for women who struggle with porn
Remember, you’re not alone in this battle. Whether through support groups, therapy, or a biblical community, there are resources and tools available to guide you toward freedom and restoration.
As we walk this journey together, let’s lean on God’s strength, knowing that He is faithful to bring healing and renewal to every broken area of our lives.
If you’re a woman struggling with porn, I encourage you to check out my new book, Her Freedom Journey: A Guide Out of Porn and Shame to Authentic Intimacy. This guide will help you realize you’re not alone, helping you uncover your root issues, and pointing you to our True Healer.
Dr. Joy Skarka, author and speaker, serves as community manager for Authentic Intimacy, helping women with unwanted sexual behaviors and creating safe spaces to free women from sexual shame. This includes coaching and teaching Christian leaders how to help women find freedom from sexual shame and pornography. Additionally, Dr. Skarka is an Adjunct Professor at Dallas Theological Seminary teaching the course Sexuality and Ethics.
